Lounging Lizard
I hate pet blogs in all their various forms…except for Big Ho’s brief centipede-related posts..including centipede porn. However, I hate feeling left out of something. That is the reason why I spent the last week reading the Da Vinci Code. It was becoming impossible to have a conversation with people without having read the book.
Anyway…Unlike the poor, sad saps that give daily updates of their cat playing with string, chasing a ball, falling off the tv, drinking toilet water, or whatever, I can do my pet blog in a single sitting. That’s the beauty of having a bad, mo-fo pet that doesn’t need to be cute and prissy and doesn’t need to do things like…well…move.
So… Here is my one, and most likely only, pet blog ever:
Hi. I’m Porky, the Australian Bearded Dragon. I was disgustingly expensive, so I had better live a damn long life. Here is my average 24-hour day:
23 hours and 59 minutes: This is what I do:
5 seconds: Oh look….Here comes my box of food. I should go over and wait.
3 seconds: Welcome to my nightmare!
Get ready for the lady
She’s gonna be a treat
Simmer slightly ’til ready
Make her soft too
Make her sweet
I kiss the tears off from your chest
I felt the poison fright that’s in your breath
I knew your precious life and I know your death
I squeeze the love out of your soul
All the perfect love that’s in your soul
You’re just another spirit on parole
Devil’s food
10 seconds: I am the bringer of death!
5 seconds: No one is safe!!
37 seconds: Pose and exude dominance. “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. Burt I. Gordon”
There…that’s out of the way. Don’t ever have to do that again.