Ruminations in Korea

Now that Brian at Cathartidea has come to my rescue as apparently the only person on the web that seems to have saved the article from the Onion, I will re-address the topic brought up in my November 21, 2003 post.  It was also mentioned by Kevin at IA.

KIM JONG-IL - "Guardian of the Planet"

This seemed inevitable, given that he is fully equipped for the job.  From a January 2003 issue of The Onion:

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA: Responding to mounting pressure and increasingly confrontational rhetoric from the outside world, North Korean president Kim Jong Il unfolded into a 70-foot-tall, 62-ton giant robot Monday.

Above: Kim Jong Il marches through the streets of Pyongyang.

"The DPRK’s nuclear program is very much its own business, as is its right to determine its own path of security," said Kim, his torso splitting along ventral seams as clusters of Taepo-Dong ICBMs rose from his shoulders. "Any attempt by Washington to decide our fate will surely result in a sea of fire being unleashed upon them."

As his arms and legs sheathed themselves in bulletproof Mecha-Muscle telescoping outward from his chest, Kim reiterated his refusal to bow to international demands.

"Constant criticism from outside indicates mistrust of our promise to refrain from missile tests," said Kim, speaking over the mechanical shriek of wingblades sprouting from his back. "Only trust from the U.S. that we will keep our word can prevent World War III."

"The imperialist West is holding my country to standards which it does not see fit to meet itself," continued Kim, his voice now a metallic, digitized boom emanating from somewhere within the titanium helmet sheathing his head. "This does not surprise me, as they are well-famed for their lies."

"Pyongyang Dynamo Power Punch!" added Kim, as he released his fist-modules skyward with twin robotic uppercuts.

While the Bush Administration remains publicly confident that a diplomatic solution can be reached, top officials admit that the situation has become more complicated.

	Above: A South Korean border soldier eyes Kim Jong Il in the Demilitarized Zone.

"If we add Kim Jong Il’s transformation into a giant robot to his already defiant isolationist stance and his country’s known nuclear capability, the diplomatic terrain definitely becomes more rocky," U.S. envoy James Kelly said. "Kim has made it clear that, if sufficiently threatened, he will not hesitate to use nuclear weapons or his arm-mounted HyperBazooka."

Added Kelly: "We are also forced to consider the possibility that Kim may attempt to robo-meld with other members of the Axis of Evil, forming a MegaMecha-Optima-Robosoldier. Kim would make a powerful right arm - or even a torso - or such a mechanism."

During a visit Monday to the Demilitarized Zone dividing the Korean peninsula, Kim stressed that his transformation was not an act of aggression, but rather an attempt to defend his nation’s autonomy.

"The DPRK must not be subject to the whims of an international coalition with no regard for the welfare of the Korean people," said Kim before stomping the ground with his foot, unleashing a devastating ring of energy that vaporized nearby reporters and military vehicles. "Catastrophic Valiant Kim-Chee Earthquake Stomp-Kick!"